Looking at the Psychological Aspect of an Affair – Understanding Infidelity

Karen and Neil were married 14 years ago. They were dating each other for an year and later had an arranged marriage. The marriage took place under peculiar conditions, as it was only 4 months since Neil’s elder brother had suddenly expired. Normally no good or auspicious events like marriages or engagements are performed within the first year of a family members death. But Neil was a special and peculiar child of their family, and had his own ways to get things done for him.

Neil was the last child among the 4 children and his parents had pampered him to the extent that he was always the bad boy anywhere and everywhere. He was always comfortable and felt a “Hero” among girls, and would disassociate with boys by mocking them.

After 9 years of marriage, he wanted to join his family of mother and sister in their hometown. So he quit his job as Research Scientist from a reputed company and moved to his hometown, ignoring his wife’s will against the shifting.

Karen’s troubles started – with continuous visits of her sister-in-law, and Neils lady friends. Even though Karen had expressed her feelings several times about his having lady friends home, yet her mother-in-law and sister-in-law found no fault with Neil. Instead they would always taunt Karen saying that she dooes not try and understand her husband, and support him. Her teenage daughter too was charging on her and speaking up for her grand mother, father and aunt. Her fears were coming true. She was being drifted away from his affection and care and that Neil was getting involved with a lady Priscilla, who’s much older than him.

The next insightful point regarding this topic area. Out of rejection and isolation Karen decided to leave her house and lead an independent life. So she boarded a train to her mother’s place, but then decided not to trouble them with her woes and therefore got off the train and went to a young friends house for shelter. The friend was a young man aged nearly twenty-five yrs, who owns a catering business. Neil had presented the facts in such a way that, people would understand and look at her as a woman who ditched her good husband. He constantly harassed and threatened Karen on phone to sign on the divorce papers, and finally succeeded.

Karen’s parents had visited Neils house to negotiate with their son-in-law, but Neil who was now an important person on media, being a proud and arrogant person, he had insulted them and asked them to get out of his house. This was not expected of him, and Karen’s mother died in a few months of shock and concern for her daughter’s status of married life. After 2 years of separation, Neil and Karen were divorced and Neil married his second lady love Priscilla.

After reading this small incident, you might have several unanswered questions like: Why did Karen leave her home? Why did she not take her daughter with her? Why did she sign the divorce? Though Neil and Karen’s had a love marriage, yet why were they not happy? Well, the answer to these questions explicitly show their psychological behavioural patterns.

To narrate Neil’s character is much tougher but its easy to say that Karen was a simple lady with self-respect, humbleness and self dignity. Neil on the other hand was a strategic game player, narrow minded, jealous, highly egoistic, mean and always finds faults with others. Neil does everything and anything with a purpose for his benefit at any cost. He married Karen because she was the average looking daughter of his boss, because he was aiming for a jump in his career through this wedlock. But unfortunately, his plans failed as Karen’s father was a strict, principled man who believed in hard work and sincerity and not in recommendations. Karen’s married life now starts turning sour. Since Neil’s father-in-law and Boss was not giving any scope for uplifting his career, he planned to move away to his hometown, and brings Karen against her and her parents wishes.

Today Karen is living alone in a big city where her ex-husband lives with his second wife, daughter and mother. She’s not being given any maintenance after divorce from Neil, therefore she works as a clerk and makes her living.

Karen’s only concern is, about her terminally ill father, because after him there’s nobody whom she has, or somebody to care for her at her old age.

For the question – Why did Karen leave her home and child….Neil had strategically planned and executed some incidents and characters in such a way that the World could understand Karen as a woman who had extra-marital affair and hence fled home. But the truth was that, he was having an extra-marital affair and wanted to marry his love under compassionate circumstances. Neil was always trying to put his wife on the wrong front and portrayed her as an uncooperative wife. The world knows Neil as the world famous inventor of edible kitchen ware, but the world doesn’t know that he can cut any relations with his cutlery to keep up his Ego!

“You hurt your spouse, not so much by the infidelity, but by the negative feelings about yourself that you bring home.” – Michael Zaslow.