How to Handle the Split Loyalties with Friends After Separation | Separation – Divorce, Marriage
We have all most probably encountered it at some stage in our lives – who do we stay friends with after a couple divorces or separates?
The text book answer is to stay friends with both parties of course but that is a mighty tall order to fulfil as we’re dealing with human emotions and judgemental attitudes here as well.
Fortunately I think that most normal friends witnessing a couple of family splitting up can actually see both sides of the coin and actually do stay away from taking sides.
However, in the real world the divorcing couple will normally expect you to commit to one side or the other and this pattern often establishes itself way before the final separation or divorce. This is due to our blame culture where we often ignore our own responsibilities for the situation we find ourselves in – it is always someone else’s fault – black & white, when actually there will be many shades of grey that overlap and it’s often not until many years later and upon a lot of reflective thought that we suddenly realise that we were actually partly to blame for the failure of that relationship.
This might be a very important section of this theme. So, how do friends handle the initial expectation from one part of the divorcing couple to now ignore their former partner? It can be really tough for friends of separating partners – you know, who do you invite to the family party – him or her – can you invite both? – what will happen if they both meet at the daughters wedding? – god forbid but what will happen should each one bring a new partner? – The scenarios are endless.
Having experienced several friends now go through divorce and separation proceedings and each one has found its own set of issues, I can say that there is no set advice or guidance in the form of a one size fits all answer.
But nevertheless, there are a few outline framework procedures that I would certainly adopt in order to ensure that your former couple remain friends long after the divorce or separation.
‘Sham wedding’ accused appear in court
Firstly – always try to balance being sympathetic and understanding to your main friend but without actually agreeing to any of their own conclusions regarding blame etc. – remember your only hearing one side of a very unbalanced perspective. This ensures that you don’t reinforce your friends biased viewpoint and you can still remain impartial – very important. This may require exemplary diplomatic skills but if your conscious of this fact can actually be quite challenging and rewarding – its like being tested yourself.
Secondly, make it clear to your main friend that you may still see or respond to their former partner from time to time after the divorce or separation for obvious and practical reasons. Most of our lives are intertwined these days with other stuff such as the sharing of the school run or business contacts for example. It needs to be made clear by way of simple inexplicit references with your normal conversations that this will happen. This signals to your main friend that divided loyalties aren’t actually that simple to divide in the manner that they may be thinking. It also ensures that you’re not accused of being a ‘Judas’ and losing the confidence or friendship of your main friend when they find out that you have had contact with their former partner.
And thirdly, never, ever say what you really thought of their former partner even if you think that having empathy with their feelings will help them over this period – Just remember that a high proportion of separating couples do actually end up getting back together again & releasing a load of sympathetic venom last month will stick in your reunited friends throat like barbed wire and your relationship with them both will never be the same again.
Within these 3 basic guidance rules will be a whole host of anomalies that will occur that will need careful thoughtful planning on what your responses will be for each individual case of a divorcing couple. It wont be easy – it never is especially when dealing with a high emotional content. But trying to frame your responses within these 3 basic guidance rules should ensure that your friendship is retained and remains flexible for most situations that may occur over the coming years.
Jenny Clair editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com has formed a community web site exploring the various issues of divorce, separation and breakdowns in relationships.
9 Responses to “How to Handle the Split Loyalties with Friends After Separation | Separation – Divorce, Marriage”
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Can a priest be a good marrige counceller? I was having trouble with my husband and his family he suggested we go to our priest for some marriage counselling..The first and only session the priest knew what was going on and really got stuck into my husband.of course he didn't like it .we never went back but he told all his family what happened and his mother said how can a priest give marriage counselling ..hes never been married..she then put this point of view across to all of my in laws and they said we needed to go to someone else..i recently learned that the bible is the best tool for marriage guidance..of course the priest would of known what to say and i was angry at the time his family said all of that anyway..because i recently listened to a sermon on marriage and how it refers to the man and wife get married and their severed from the parents ties but have respect for them all ways.its bought it all back.. What are your thoughts on religious marriage counselling.thank you
My husband says he doent love me but….? He told me two months ago that he doesn't love me and he still says that. But every day when his alarm clock goes off he spends another ten minutes in bed hugging and kissing me, before he leaves for work he come to the bedroom to wish me a good day and gives me a kiss, callls me from work to see how my day is going, texts me when im at work, calls me cute names, when I get home he’s waiting for me w a hug and kiss, spends every weekend with me….. How the hell does he do all this if he doesn't love me? Please help, but if you’re here to write funny answers, please don't even reply to my question here. Thank you
Marriage in islam? Who has to approve of him? If my parents are happy with him. Does it matter what my grandparents and aunties, uncles think? Should i consider their view or should i only take into account that if my parents are ok with him, that's all that matters.?
Does your 'other half' let you phone them at work…? Mrs Swipe and I recently attended marriage guidance counselling. We were advised to 'spice up' our marriage a bit, so I phoned her at work for a bit of phone sex. I was half way through describing what I was wearing when she hissed into the phone that she was hearing a case and the whole damn court was looking at her!… Then she turned her phone off! Honestly… You try to do right!…
Do you love when your spouse is out of town? I don't know if this means my marriage is in trouble but I love it when my husband has a business trip. He’s a critical person and I love the freedom I feel when he’s gone. I can do what I want with the kids and I can keep a better schedule. When my husband is around, it's chaos. He can't plan a thing. He’s recently back from a long trip and he can tell that I’m not thrilled to see him. I don't mean to hurt his feelings. But, no, I’m not excited to have him back, with his comments and complaints. Is this telling me something?
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Does he realise how critical he’s? Is it habit or is he doing it deliberately? Sounds like it's time for marriage guidance counselling. Divorce is a huge step, emotionally and financially. Despite what all the “my wife took everything” ranters say, it's usually women who end up in poverty when marriages end, not least when they’ve custody of the children. At any rate, it does sound like your marriage needs work, at the very least. I hope your husband listens. Good luck!
I think I need God's guidance for my marriage. Can anyone help? Things could be better. I’m insecure and dealing with a lot of anxiety/fears. I love my husband but feel as though I can’t fully trust him. I don't feel like this marriage is as healthy as it could be. We’re newly weds and the fact that he’s in the armed forces only adds to the stress. Can someone please give me guidance and lend some of the lords word. I feel like I need to get in touch with God :/ I'd greatly appreciate emails.
Marriage guidance – Swedish translation – bab.la English-Swedish. Results one – fourty of 379 Translation for ‘marriage guidance’ in the free Swedish dictionary. More Swedish translations for: marriage, guidance.