Does A Separation Have To End With A Divorce?
I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are either pressing for a separation or have left the home to begin one. Many times, the wife is against and never wanted the separation. She often sees it as the first step toward a divorce or the end of her marriage. I recently heard from someone who asked me “does a separation always end in divorce? Is there anything that I can do to make sure that mine does not?”
The answer to these questions depends upon the situation, but no, separations most certainly don’t always end in divorces. In fact, I hear from many folks who have been able to turn things around and save the marriage even after the separation has gone on for a while. In the following article, I am going to discuss which factors I think contribute to some couples staying together after a separation and some ending up getting a divorce.
Let’s go on with this short article. Things Which Contribute To A Separation Ending In Divorce: I occasionally hear from people who, despite the efforts that they have made during their separation, ended up divorcing anyway. Although I rarely personally know the people or the circumstances involved, I am typically able to see some common themes that run through these separations and eventual divorces.
Virginia DivorceSeparation Agreement by Virginia Divorce Lawyer
Usually one or both of the spouses perceive that no meaningful or lasting change takes place. And so, one or both of the parties decide that it does not make sense to keep living like they’re. So, they perceive it better to just go ahead and get a divorce. Sometimes, people tell me that they hoped the time and distance would make them appreciate or want their spouse more, but this sometimes does not happen because the spouse in question did not allow for the time.
Other times, the couple hasn’t really set firm boundaries or come to clear understandings during the separation and, as a result, one or both of the parties began to see other people, which can sometimes mean that the marriage does not stand a fair chance because it does not have everyone’s full attention or efforts. Or, another common scenario is that because of the fear and panic one of the spouse’s feels, this causes them to focus on negative emotions and fears and to react badly to the separation and behave in a way that makes the other spouse glad to be away from them.
Things Which Contribute To A Separation Not Ending In A Divorce: On the other hand, the separated couples which I see working things out often approach things a little differently. One or both of them are often able to take a step back and attempt to focus on the positive (with an eye toward keeping things light rather than heavy.) And, typically they try to focus on positive rather than negative behaviors that are, understandably, based on fear and uncertainty. I am not saying that any of this is easy, but couples who are able to do this often find that the time and distance actually helps them rather than hurts them.
In spite of this, couples who are able to transition from a separation to saving the marriage often follow a workable plan or obtain some sort of help or guidance during it so that they find that their situation, and their marriage, is actually in better shape than it was before the separation. This gives them incentive to keep on going and to turn away from a divorce.
And usually, the couple is able to sit down and come to some guidelines and boundaries so that each person isn’t just sort of feeling their way in an unfamiliar process. They might agree that they will touch base weekly or not see other people while separated. What ever the boundaries they have set, it helps if both people can honor and agree to them.
To put it as simply as possible, separated couples who are able to avoid divorce often find some improvement in their situation that gives them the incentive to keep trying to make improvements and to ultimately think that divorcing is a mistake.
Things That You Can Do If you are Separated And do not Want This To End In Divorce: People often ask me what are some things that they can do to ensure that their separation does not ultimately lead to divorce. First, it helps to accept right from the beginning that you’ren’t going to be able to control what your spouse is thinking or feeling. So many people really try to shame, guilt, or strong arm their spouse into changing their mind before they allow time to do most of the work for them. This just keeps the negative feelings and perceptions going and it does not improve things. With that said, you can set up the circumstances so that improvements become more likely.
This is where you have more control than you might think. You have the ability to keep things positive and moving forward so that you see improvements rather than set backs. It helps that, to the extent that you can without appearing pushy, that you try to come up with some understandings and boundaries. Leaving things open ended or just saying you will “wait and see” when neither of you know what this really means can leave room for misunderstandings, frustration, and resentment.
As best as you can, you want to set things up so that the environment and your relationship is conducive to seeing improvements. This sometimes means not clinging so tightly that you encourage negative perceptions where your spouse thinks that they need to avoid you or continue moving further away.
I wish I had known these things in my own marriage. Our trial separation went very badly until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
9 Responses to “Does A Separation Have To End With A Divorce?”
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Divorce/separation conversation? I’ve been dating a guy for about a month now. There is no commitment but yesterday we got into deep conversation regarding divorce and separation that we both faced or are facing. A little bit of conversation was raised about financial status. This conversation got VERY personal. Is that a good thing or bad thing?
Divorce, Separation or Give her time, Part 2? Summary – Married twenty years with five kids (youngest is 4). Still madly in love with my wife, but she has found someone else. My wife and I decided on a trial separation – meaning we’re no longer lovers and we can do our own thing. It appears that the biggest issue for her right now is her “space”. So the trial separation's intent is to give her “space” and determine if this is atually what she wants As much as it pained me, I agreed to a trial separation, because I felt it was the only chance I would ever have of winning her back. Because of financial constraints, neither of us can afford to get another place to live – and I don't really want to impose on friends or relatives. So we’re trying this trial separation while living under one roof. I don't know if this is the right way to go about it. On the one hand, I want to be there for her when she needs me – so living under one roof makes sense not just financially. Even so, I’m there for her when she needs me – meaning nothing's changed in our relationship, except for the fact that we’re not lovers. There is nothing in this world I want more than to keep our family together and win her heart back, but I don't know if the way I’m proceeding helps or hurts getting to that point. I would like to ask the ladies out there how their spouses won them back. Also, for those who did trial separations, did this help or hurt getting back together with your spouse?
Dad worrying about divorce/separation? I married my wife because she was pregnant. We had dated for only six months when she became pregnant. I was advised by my sister that I would have more rights to my son if we were married and something should happen. Well now we’ve been married for a year and a half and our son is about to turn 1. I love being a dad but hate being a husband. We get along, but she’s dirty and messy; whereas I’m almost obsessive with having a neat house. I work and go to school. We’re struggling financially, but she’s not willing to get a job. Even though she’s actually more marketable than I’m in the current economy. It’s frustrating. If I talk to her she gets angry or upset and doesn't understand why I’m angry or upset. I’m at the point that maybe we should separate and see if we can figure things out. I’m miserable, and I think she’s too but won’t admit it. My other concern is that she’ll move back to her mom's which is two hours away and take my son with her. I want to be there to watch him grow up and would be willing to move closer in order to do so, but I can’t right now. I also would be willing to have full custody, but I know she would fight this. I’m very unsure of what to do right now. Has anyone been here or seen this?
During a Divorce/Separation, if someone buys a car for me (and puts title in my name) can my spouse get half? I’m seventeen and my mom and dad are going through a separation (nothing legal yet.) My grandmother wants to buy me a car but in Delaware, i can’t put the title in my name until I’m 18. If my mother is willing to put the title in her name until I’m 18, would my dad have any way to go after the car? The money used would be directly from my grandmothers account! Thank you so much! P.S. I did look for the answer all over the net, but couldn't find anything specific to my situation.
What is the difference between divorce and separation? I just find out my fiance only had a separation document with his ex-wife. Is that mean I can't marry him in this year? And he don't know I find out his secret. How do I discuss that with him?
Daddy dumped : Divorce, separation and custody in Ontario,Canada? A friend of mine's wife had an affair and asked him to leave the apartment and the other guy moved in that day. He has a step-daughter, her child (6), and their one year old son and has been with her for approx. Two years. She left him for someone else and that person is living in their apartment. He’s seeking counsel but we know what that means ($10,000 if things go smoothly). I here all sorts of horror stories about how he’ll end up having to pay for her rent and child support for the step child. He loves both kids and has a job but works seasonally. The step child has only known him as her father. This woman has also been making demands on him about money and threatening to keep the kids from him unless he pays her rent. Her boyfriend comes to his home with divorce papers, etc. He’s a good father…a great Dad…and a decent man! They don't make men like this much anymore. I'm afraid she's going to take advantage of him. She already has. Does he have to pay rent when she has reestablished a home with another man? Does he have to pay for the step child? Does he have a means to gain reasonable access to his child that she must abide by without involving the lothario boyfriend? How does he keep the boyfriend from interfering? He wants no contact with him. I don't blame him. He has endured a lot more than I could have put up with. Little help for my bud here?
How do I establish financial separation from my wife without a divorce? Hi I live and New Jersey and I would like to establish legal financial separation from my wife and vice versa. I'm mainly doing it to show financial independence for government student financial aid. We’ve been living separated since September of 2009. Would both of us signing a notarized statement stating it would be good enough? If not what do I need?
How can you ever move on from a separation/divorce,when all their in laws and friends hate you,and blame? You for the marriage ending,how can you have a life living in the same area as them and a soon to be ex?what do you do how do you cope?if it’s that negative should you think of just leaving somewhere,anywhere and start a fresh?pros and cons of a decision like that..? Thanks in advance
What is considered a legal separation prior to a divorce? My spouse and I are planning on getting a divorce. In our state, you have to be separated for twelve months before you can start the legal process. Then again, due to the economy, we decided to live separated under the same roof. Will this count towards the separation or does separation mean that we’ve to live apart from each other? How do you prove this?